I know this is blasphemous, but I cannot cheer for the Vancouver Canucks. There are many reasons, let me tell them to you…
First and foremost, let me point out I actually think Vancouver will go far. I think they’ll make it to either the Western Conference finals or perhaps even the Stanley Cup Finals. Do I want them to? No.
Reason #1: ROBERTO LUONGO (or should I say Ro8erto 7uongo?)
The Canucks goaltender is a showman along the ilk of Patrick Roy. He’s overly cocky, just watch any time a puck goes into his glove and he flashes it with a whirly whirl. I’m sorry, you aren’t Patrick Roy. A word of warning however, refrain from coming close to touching Roberto Luongo because he may flail like he has been shot from the stands, call the whaaaaaambulance, Luongo down. Oh, if he does happen to flail on the ice, he’ll be protected by his massive two storey pads. His penchant giving up 7 or 8 goals in Stanley Cup games is also fantastic.
Reason #2: THE FANS
Except one Canucks fan, every other one I know or see on TV makes me smash my head into a wall. For a team that has never won a Stanley Cup, its fans mistakenly believe every year is the year. This year is no exception, frustratingly so. They are loud, obnoxious and is there a more annoying chant than the “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU” they belt out when Roberto makes a routine stick save? Ugh. Their jersey is ridiculous as well…it might as well be this…
Reason #3: JIM HUGHSON
Jim Hughson…give your head a shake. Hughson, the former local announcer for the Canucks has moved onto the CBC and must have his undies in a bundle calling any Canucks series. Half Dudley Dooright, half Kevin Bieksa shoe shiner he enunciates everything to the point of annoyance. If I hear him say Roberto Luongo the way he does one more time I may have to cancel cable. Hughson’s homerism is mind numbing and personally – I don’t want my tax dollars going to them. It’s looking like the Canuckistan Broadcasting Corporation.
Reason #4: ALAIN VIGNAUEUAULT
I can’t spell his last name and frankly don’t care to look it up. The hair, the suit, and most of all…THE GUM. If that man chews his gum any faster he’s liable to break his jaw…or at least a couple molars. He smugger than all the Mac users in Silicon Valley. The gum, the horror.
Reason #5: EVERY SINGLE PLAYER
Ever since the retirement of Trevor Linden, the players of the Vancouver Canucks have been irritating at best. Kesler, Burrows, Bieksa, Luongo, Torres, the Sedin Sisters…the list goes on. What is it with Vancouver that when you join the team you instantly become the most annoying, pestering, cheap, dirty, cocky player known? It’s a team of people who beat up helpless kids, stole their lunch money and then hung them from the fence by their underwear.
With this in mind, Vancouver will never become Canada’s team like the Flames did in 2004. No underdog, no rag tag group of fellas who play for the love of the game. Just a bunch of smug, cocky millionaires with an attitude of entitlement to the most sacred trophy in sports.
Oh man it gets worse! I’ve updated this post but, wow did I not have to change much! I’d like to point out in this update:
THE CANUCKS SYNCHRONIZED DIVING TEAM
That about says it all. That’s how the Canucks roll.